Self-esteem: How can parents help?

When your children have set-backs and you hear the words “I’m an idiot”, or “I’m ugly, nobody likes me”, you probably worry about their self-esteem. What makes them say mean things about themselves, you wonder. They’re great kids, everyone should be able to see that, even them! However, most kids do struggle with feelings of inadequacy and must be helped towards a healthier self-image. You, as their parent, are the first and most important guide on that path. Later on, others will have a lot of influence on them, but you came first, and will still be there when teachers, coaches and friends may have moved on.

Be a role model

If your kids talk negatively about themselves, try examining your own behaviour; do you find yourself doing the same thing? The way you talk has a big influence on your children, and it’s natural that they might mimic you. Next time you’re tempted to berate yourself or call yourself names, don’t. You and your children will all benefit.

On the other hand, don’t pretend that you’ve never made mistakes or failed at anything. If you can share some stories that will show your kids you’ve been there and got through it, it may help a lot.

You can also be a positive role model by living a balanced life. Eat well, exercise regularly and develop a variety of interests. Introducing your children to music, art, sports, etc. will help them to see all the possibilities the world has to offer. They may find a passion for a subject that could translate into more confidence and better self-esteem. A child who has a full life with a balanced amount of extra-curricular activity is likely to be happier and may take a few knocks without becoming generally pessimistic.

The power of positive thinking

When your children are feeling very negative about themselves, try suggesting they use positive statements like, “I haven’t been able to do this yet, but if I keep trying it will get easier.” Remind them of some of the things they do well and that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but the important thing is not to give up. Teach them to be aware when they’re getting caught up in negative thinking. For example if one subject in school is a challenge for them or they have one bad haircut, it doesn’t mean their whole life is a disaster.

Emotional support

Don’t forget that one reason kids say negative things about themselves is to see what reaction they’ll get. They’re hoping that you’ll express your love and support, despite the occasional failures that loom so large to them. Physical contact is important too. Hugs have great power to communicate your love and comfort, often better than words. Make sure they know they’re not alone; that everyone occasionally falls short or feels badly about themselves, and that you’re there to help. Also, if you see your kids improving in an area where they have struggled, even if the improvement is small, point it out and congratulate them on the effort they’ve made.

Self-compassion

Remind your child to be compassionate towards themselves; that forgiving themselves for an error in judgment or a bad test result is okay. After all, to err is human. Recent studies show that those who exercise self-compassion go ‘back to the drawing board’ more willingly and with more optimism. They are also more likely to take responsibility for their actions and errors, an important life lesson that contributes to a better self-image.

In these various ways, you can help your children start viewing themselves more realistically and have better self-esteem. The temporary setbacks they will inevitably face won’t send them into the depths of despair but rather will be seen as opportunities to learn and grow. You can help show them a view of the future where they may end up excelling in areas they can’t even imagine right now.